Be Gone All Ready 2008

Okay, so here’s the thing… 2008 was a crappie year. I am so happy that it is ending. Oh there are wonderful things to celebrate, but by and large the year was a bust from my perspective.

 

The year ending means yet another New Year’s Eve, alone, with no one special to kiss.

 

Oh don’t get me wrong, I will once again celebrate the passing of this disastrous year by having dinner with my two best friends, I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are the only way I get through these dark moments. But it isn’t the same.

 

I was chatting with a friend online today, to maybe snag myself someone to meet for a drink, come to find out he’s dating someone. I just don’t know what I do wrong. Yeah back here tonight. Sorry. But I am going to try and not dwell there.

 

I think what bothers me more is that I don’t understand why in my world NYE is worse to face than Valentine’s Day or any other “couples” holiday. Maybe it is because I have shared a Valentine’s Day with a man, but never a NYE. Maybe it’s because NYE represents a new beginning, and mine keep beginning alone.

 

It’s funny, all the stuff about proposition 8, and all the weddings over the past summer didn’t bother me, as much as December 31 does. And yet there is no way to change it. I must summon my courage, put on my Brave Little Toaster face and get through another year alone. But some year, I am going to wake up on January 1 and my Prince Charming will be there, next to me… hair tousled, and all sleepy eyed… and I will be in heaven. 

Holiday 2008

So you may wonder why I am posting a picture of someone looking at a painting. I ran across this photo today and it reminded me of what the holidays mean to me, which is a very good thing because all through this holiday season I have struggled to find my Christmas spirit. If you have been following my Facebook status, you are probably tired of me mentioning it. As with oh so many things, just when you think you can't find something you turn a corner, open a file or trip over the very thing you are looking for. 

On the upper most level this picture represents my recent Paris adventure over Thanksgiving. A wonderful refreshment of my love for this city and for traveling the way my two best friends and I do. Traveling to fit into the place we are in, not just observe it. Of course while we were there, Christmas had begun to burst all over in decoration and even in music. I thought I had allowed the ember of holiday spirit that began to glow there to die out, but apparently not. 

Next is the place in which this painting hangs, the Musee Dorset. A transcendent piece of adaptive re-use. And architecture always lifts my spirit. In this absolutely dismal time of sorrow and pain in the profession I love, I am reminded that so many that have gone before, have survived the pain and struggle to create wonderful things, and so I am lifted. 

And then the painting and painter, if you ever want to be blessed ask Kenneth about Georges Seurat sometime, and listen to him talk. I won't try because it would be unfair to Georges. But let's just say this man painted moving works in a never before used technique and was resoundingly overlooked at the time and thought to be crazy. If you ever have a chance to view his work and are unmoved, you have no heart. 

Then there is the man who is viewing the painting, decidedly one of the best men on the planet from my perspective. Kenneth encourages me, challenges me to be better, and loves me relentlessly. I don't understand it, but I embrace it, depend on it and bask in it. 

And so today I am lifted back into my typical Christmas state of mind. I am actually looking beyond all the strife and sadness that surrounds me and am fixing my gaze upon the hope and joy and blessings that lay in the manger in Bethlehem, embodied in the Christ. 

It is with a full heart that I wish to all those who read this, a joyous holiday season filled with love, wonder and hope. 

I'm Jealous Part Deux (ADULT CONTENT)

So lest you think I am all about the relationship angle of this... I am also jealous of men with hairy butts, men with above average balls, men with above average cocks, men with uncut cocks, men who fit in easily to a bear category. 

Notice I am not jealous of shallow, vapid, mean, stupid, ugly men. LOL And make no mistake, I am not unhappy with myself, in fact, I like myself. I like myself even more now that I am 30 pounds lighter, but even that wasn't totally necessary. 

I suppose in all this, I am looking to be accepted, accepted into the club, accepted into the clique, accepted into the cool kids. 

But then that is what I have been looking for since I started school, 40 years ago. 

Guess it's time I started just being me. 

Unbelieveable! Well, maybe not.

Okay, so just when you thought the Palin Soap Opera of a candidacy couldn't get any worse... it does. Apparently some right wing PAC thought it necessary to produce a commercial that is running in the 2 red states, that thanks Governor Pailn for her service. This is SHOCKING to say the least. They even go to the point of calling Caribou Barbie, articulate, OMG, did they read any of the transcripts of some of the governor's answers to simple questions? Did they even see the interview with Katie Couric? 

In case you haven't laughed hard enough lately, take a look at this:

Sometimes I'm Jealous...

Okay, I have struggled with whether or not to write this down. On one hand I don't want to sound like a whiner or a looser and I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable around me. On the other hand, I have found that sometimes writing out what I am thinking helps me to release it and move on. So I suppose this could be the draft e-mail you never send, and maybe it will be. If I choose to publish it, then I hope that the two people who read my blog will understand what I mean by it. 

I am jealous today. I don't know how else to put it; I can't think of some other term. I should be very happy, my life is okay, I leave for Paris in four days, I have a job, I have a home I love, and I have the best friends you could ask for, but I am jealous. 

I have been told I shouldn't be, relationships, even ones that succeed are a pain in the ass, and yet I am jealous. I don't understand my life sometimes. I know I am a nice guy, I am even handsome. I have been told I am sexy too. And yet, I rarely get past the first date. It puzzles me. 

I wonder if I do something wrong. I wonder if my not coming out till I was 37 years old, handicapped me somehow. Do I miss the signs? Do I not know the "code"? 

It is ever so difficult for me not to compare myself to my piers. It is what we are socialized to do,  particularly as men. I guess I should just go forward, without expectation. I should just live my life, and love myself. But I am selfish, I want more. 

I want someone to cling to, cleave to even, when I have a week like the one just past. I want to come home and have a man call and say, hey let's get together and grab a bite and sit on the couch and make out. I want a man want to come spend a couple of days with me in SF or for me to spend a couple of days with him in ______. I want to have a man to share my joy with, to travel with, to raise my daughter with, so that she knows that I'm not a freak. I want to find a man to spend my old age with. 

And yet no man comes. My friends get dates, so I know it's possible. I believe there is a man out there, somewhere, maybe even in San Francisco, who will love me. But when? 

It is difficult to not be jealous. It is hard to keep believing. And yet, I must go on. 

Yeah, what she said!

Okay, so the Reverend Dr. Penny Nixon makes me proud to be both queer and a christian. I had heard that she nailed her speech at the No on 8 rally, but I hadn't seen it until last night. She says exactly what I have thought for many years, that I am proud to be a christian if only to remind those who think they know what being a christian is, namely excluding people from the body of Christ, that Christ included everyone in his family, and that includes we queers. Take a look and listen.

And then there were fewer...

So in case I somehow believed that we, the firm I work for, were insulated from the economic tsunami that is raging around the housing and building industry, this past Thursday snapped me back into reality. 

It isn't as if I didn't know it was coming. A week ago today, as I worked from our San Francisco office, the partners of the firm met in Pleasanton at the corporate offices. I got an e-mail Friday night canceling our weekly Monday morning meeting, because the partners had had an over ambitious agenda and needed to finish on Monday morning. I knew it was time. 

Unlike most firms our size, our competitors, we have had but one layoff. Last January, when I lost 1/3 of my team. The decision was preemptive, and deep in order for us to survive and exit healthy and we made it almost a whole year without having to do it again. 

I have had it done to me, and it is surreal being on the other side. Being the one who is management and having to make the decision and deal with it's consequences. It is easy to say it is harder to be cut than to do the cutting, but that would be wrong. I agonize over it. 

This time around not only did I loose another 1/3, well I lost two of three workers, but I gained one from another team, so it was a net 1/3 reduction. But the 2/3s, they were young women architects, who I have had the privilege of teaching how to be an architect. I love that. And watching as one cried as soon as we told her, my heart sank to my feet. How could the career she loved treat her like a bad boyfriend? Well architecture is a fickle lover. We give her our all and she pays us back with a cyclical nature that loves to snap at her young. 

And as if we who survived didn't have enough survivor guilt, we got a sliding scale pay cut that cost me 12.5% of my wages, but I am still employed. I am still working doing what I love. And I am reminded each time I walk to my desk that two young women that I cared about, are no longer there to help me do my job and learn to be a young architect. 

We'd like to thank you Herbert Hoover (George W. Bush). You have taken a thriving country and in 8 short years torn it asunder. You should be ashamed. 

It's the end of the world as we know it?

I continue to be beaten by the news of family, friends and acquaintances who are loosing their jobs as the current economic tsunami crashes through the US. This coupled with the fact that I was actually at the movies over the weekend in the evening in my shorts (those of you who are familiar with San Francisco in November will recognize the significance of this) has convinced me that we may well be entering the end times. Oh why not? The evangelical church has been telling us this for at least 20 years now. 

I find it increasingly difficult to remain hopeful, as my own firm begins to make our second round of personnel cuts. I am worried, I don't know if I will have any staff or if I will even be here when we are through. We have weathered almost 2 years of a housing down turn, yes people those of you who have just begun to feel it are the late comers to the party, and I find myself increasingly dismal about the prospects. Juxtaposed against that, we are just completing our Strategic Planning efforts for 2012. It is truly an odd time. Layer upon all that the fact that I am getting on a plane on Thanksgiving Day to fly to Paris for four days, and I wonder what will be left when I return. 

It would seem that the holidays may not be so hap hap happy this year. And yet, the one true gift is what we celebrate at Christmas. A God who loved us so much that he would send a savior to walk amongst us. If it is the end times, I say get here quick and let's get it all over with, the anticipation is costing me sleep. 

Day 8

Okay, so I don't want this to become a one note samba, but last night I finally had a chance to watch Kieth Oberman's special commentary and I couldn't help but want to post it here. Kieth is a true friend to the Queer Community, and he approaches his commentary from an entirely appropriate and fairly fresh direction. Thank you Kieth, you made me cry and you made me proud to have a friend in the media who cares so deeply about what is right. Take a look. 

Day 3

So yes, it is day three since the election that took rights away, and no, I’m not over it. I was listening to The Stephanie Miller show this morning, and they were ganging up on Chris for pointing out the irony that more people voted for the humane treatment of animals than voted to protect the rights of human homosexuals. It is only that irony that this queer man finds fascinating. Of course many of those who supported proposition 8 were lied to and believed that it somehow had something to do with teaching children or forcing churches to marry couples that they don’t want to marry, but people the title of the proposition on the ballot was “To take away the rights of same sex couples to marry”, it doesn’t get a whole lot clearer than that; thank you Jerry Brown for trying.

Then there is the gay community that is in the full mode of eating the No on 8 campaign for all the mistakes they made, well we were there making the mistakes with them. It’s very easy to say that we didn’t take the “right” path, thanks New York Times. But let’s just think about what a legislative path might have meant. What would have stopped the very same amendment being offered? What is to stop the very same religious fundamentalists from now offering an amendment to prohibit Jews from marrying, or Muslims or as the bible prescribes, prohibiting interracial marriage? Once we start down the path of taking people’s rights away through Constitutional amendment, when do we stop? Does anyone really think that abortion rights won’t be next?

I would simply ask one thing. Would one person that believes that people of the same sex getting married, threatens heterosexual marriage, please explain to me in terms of secular law, how that is possible? How does me marrying a man I love and subsequently receiving the tax, property and inheritance rights and divorce protections, hurt a heterosexual couple? You can’t I don’t believe without invoking faith, and the faith argument has no place before the law. When will or politicians be able to have clear positions on queer rights, and not have to parse their words like President Elect Obama, “I don’t support gay marriage, but I oppose proposition 8”? How does anyone reconcile that?

And there is one even more hideous statute that was approved. In Arkansas, you can now only adopt if you are married. How many children must suffer to further the misguided notion that homosexuals are not good parents because of who we love? Wow.

This is a great week for our nation in so many ways, but let us not loose sight of how that greatness is tainted by continued hate of the only minority group that it is cool to hate, the queer community. 

State of California: Queer Discrimination Day 2

I find myself on day two of this ordeal, still angry. I went to a business function this morning in the heart of the Tri-Valley area of the east bay and was surrounded undoubtedly by people who voted just two days ago to take away civil rights afforded to me less than 6 months before by the California Supreme Court. I didn't even have a chance to exercise those rights, but let's not go there. LOL 

So here I am in a theater full of people, and I wanted to stand up and say, by a show of hands who supported Proposition 8 on Tuesday? I wanted to just see the face of my enemy. It all strikes me of the small mindedness of the conservative movement in this country. 

I watched John McCain conceded the election on Tuesday night to a sea of white faces. Similar to the sea of white faces at the Republican National Convention in September. Reportedly there were a scant 34 African Americans at the Republican Convention in Minneapolis. WOW... what does that say about the grand old party??? 

Anyway, I find myself repeatedly returning to this one question. When did the country I love, turn into this place of I'm right and you're absolutely wrong because I have the one and only truth? This is an utterly stunning development to me. I have written before about how I understand the draw towards the black and white simplicity of fundamentalist religion and it's easy answers and my preference for the complexity of a Technicolor world of no clear right and wrong answers. But what really and truly scares me is how can you possibly have a dialogue that begins with the other party believing that they are absolutely and completely right? How do you get anywhere? 

Just look at our foreign policy of the past 8 years, it was executed with exactly this perspective. Of course John McCain finds meeting with our enemies without precondition, because he believes as most Republicans do, that he is the only one with the correct answer to the problem what ever it is. W felt that way too, that's why invading Iraq wasn't hinging on WMDs for him, that whole rouse was to get the public behind it. W just plain thought he was right. 

And so it is with Queer marriage. The conservative religions think they have the only true marriage, one man and one woman. Well you know what, maybe they do, in their religion, but we are talking about CIVIL RIGHTS, before the law of the land which is supposed to be blind to race, creed, color, religion, sexual orientation or any thing else. If it is blind, then my faith that tells me that the God I worship is about relationship and we model that relationship with God by being in relationship with each other as humans, doesn't have time to worry about whether I am in a relationship with a man or a woman, God only cares that I am in some sort of relationship that ultimately points my eyes to God, is equally valid before the law and should be recognized. I'm not and I would venture to say, the Queer Community is not, asking the Roman Catholic Church to marry us, though there are certainly Queer Catholics that would like that. What we are asking for however, is all of the CIVIL RIGHTS and RESPONSIBILITIES before the law that are afforded to heterosexual couples. 

Let's just think for a moment. Queer couples can adopt children, in fact I'm a father. What does it teach my heterosexual daughter that her father cannot marry the man he loves? It teaches her that her father is somehow less of a citizen. Of course I will tell her differently. And that is exactly what I would expect someone raising their child as a Roman Catholic would teach them about Queer Marriage, that in their belief system that doesn't fit. It's not unlike what I remember about evolution when I was a boy. When it was taught in my school, I asked my pastor what that meant with regard to creation, and gee he taught me. This idea that we have to teach exactly the same thing and believe exactly the same thing is so saddening. 

Anyway... that's probably enough for today. Hang on folks, there is likely to be many more posts about this as we travel this road to re-obtaining our rights. 

Step to the back of the bus you QUEERS!

I am at once thrilled with the election of Barack Obama, and profoundly sad and ANGRY to be a part of one of the last groups it is okay to not only discriminate against, but it’s okay to codify that discrimination into the Constitution of the State of California. And what makes it doubly difficult to deal with is the fact that exit polling would indicate that only two groups in the state were overwhelmingly for the proposition, those over 65 years old, and African Americans and Latinos for who’s civil rights the gay community has worked to secure. Gee thanks. 

http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/results/polls/#CAI01p1

I wept last night as I watched the man I believe will actually change the face of this nation, accept the presidency and begin to chart the course of hope. And I wept again this morning in my bed when I heard that over night there had been no movement and it was fairly clear that Proposition 8 would become not just a law, but part of the Constitution of the State of California by a vote of 51% of the people; people who were LIED to about what not passing the amendment would do and people who were LIED to about Barack Obama’s position on the proposition, but his campaign did NOTHING to correct those lies in the closing days of the campaign. In the State of California animals raised for food, now are better protected by a 73% popular vote, but gay, lesbian, transgendered and bisexual HUMANS are still just sexual deviants whose love for one another is not as important as those who were born straight. Gee thanks California!

Civil Unions are a SEPARATE but EQUAL approach to the problem. Why is this acceptable for the GLBT Community but not acceptable for racial minorities? Why are one group’s principals of faith held above another group’s principals of faith in a country that supposedly has a blind eye to religion?

The queer community can not grow in percentage of the vote. Throughout history between 10 and 15 percent of the population is queer. Other minorities in this country have grown in percentage of the vote to further their cause; we are the only group that does not have that avenue available because regardless of what the fundamentalists tell you, we don’t recruit. So we must depend on the heterosexual community “getting it”; getting it that we DESERVE to be protected by the Constitution of the State of California and of the United States of America. Deserve to have our love relationships enjoy the same rights and responsibilities of the heterosexual community. And deserve to be EQUAL before the law in all respects. It was only a scant 30 years ago that it was illegal to marry outside your own race. How long do I have to wait to be able to marry the man of my dreams?

Let's just stop and think how different my own life would have been if at the time of my youth, queer relationships were celebrated with the same regard as heterosexual relationships. I don't think that I would have made the same choices in my life. I think I would have simply found a man who wanted a family, married him and adopted kids. How nice it would have been to feel like the way I love is okay. But now we have made that impossible for yet another generation of our youth. SHAME on us. 

This is truly a sad day in the State of California; a state that would overwhelmingly support a man like Barack Obama, who will change the face of the nation; and on the same ballot, would vote to relegate 10% of their friends and family members to PERMANENT second class citizenship. Make no mistake, the GLBT Community will not rest and will not stop. We have been beaten up through the years and we have figured out how to survive the beatings and move on, I just hoped that once we might truly live in an enlightened state. Brace yourselves, for many more years of hate and bashing my friends because it’s still okay to hate the queer community. 

We are changing minds one at a time, but is it fast enough?

So I have to credit my dear friend in Texas, of all places, for bringing the video posted below to my attention. Thank you Peter. 

I went and viewed this video and by the end was weeping at my desk. It shows that we can change minds one at a time, so for those of you in the community and those of you who support the rights of gay and lesbians, PLEASE keep talking to those around you, because it is by changing enough minds that we will succeed in defeating this hateful constitutional amendment tomorrow and prove that we will not stand to have our Constitution be the only one in the nation that discriminates. 

Take a look: 

Where have you been Dianne???

Don't get me wrong. we're glad that you have joined us, but I think we could have used you with us from the beginning. Take a look:

Gotta Love A "Disney" Movie

Okay... I laughed out loud in the office over this one. I don't know who at College Humor is so funny, but this is GREAT!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Faith vs Faith

So I continue to get irritated by the rhetoric of the Yes on Prop. 8 people. I heard what amounted to an 8 minute infomercial on my local PBS station this morning about how the Catholic Church supports proposition 8 because of the church's stand on homosexuality. What irritates me is I am a Christian as well, and my faith causes me to oppose proposition 8 because of it's ban on same sex marriage. So who is to say who's faith is right. 

Well I think the US Constitution settles the argument in my favor. This country was founded not as a Christian nation as so often we are told by the conservatives. The country was founded on the principal of religious FREEDOM. Freedom that means the government MUST stay out of religious matters. The law must be BLIND in that regard. So in order for the law to be blind, it cannot exclude any rights. Ahh a slippery slope, I know. But I think it does apply here. 

The California Supreme court did not mandate that the Catholic Church MUST marry same sex couples, it only mandated that the State must recognize those unions equally before the law. BUT proposition 8 WOULD mandate that MCC could NOT marry same sex couples, thus taking rights away and codifying discrimination into our state constitution for the first time in the state's history. 

Of course you can extend these arguments to absurd conclusions like men marrying dogs, but people let's be reasonable, we are talking about CONSENTING ADULTS, that MUST count for something. 

Join me in voting against discrimination by voting NO on PROPOSITION 8! 

God Bless Andy, Opie, Richie and The Fonz

There is not much commentary necessary for this one. Just check it out. It is funny, poignant, and so on target! 

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

Republican Women are So HOT!

Okay I admit it, I am stealing the title from a lesbian friend, you go Stephanie! 

I was reading some of what my Facebook friends are up to this morning and I ran across the following video post of Sarah Palin in Kuwait shooting an automatic weapon, take a look:

So who wouldn't be scared of this woman being vice president 

of the United States, and likely president if John McCain 

continues to loose it. Let's remember he is the same age as 

Ronald Wilson Regan was when Regan began his SECOND 

term, and now we know that Regan was beginning to show signs 

of Alzheimer's Disease. 

How is is possible that we are on the verge of possibly electing 

this man and the dingbat woman he chose as his running mate??? 

WAKE UP AMERICA! 

STOP THE MADNESS!

Pigeon Holed

Some of the recent events in my life have caused me to be thinking about my place in the world that is the Gay Community. There are several things I just don't understand. The biggest of which I will dig into here. 

So we are a community comprised of social outcasts because of our genetic predisposition to loving the same sex. We became a community to support each other and help others to not have to go through what we did as they choose to come out. At least that is my general understanding. 

What confuses me is why we have this idea that we should separate into these sub groups with very specific guidelines and rules for inclusion. I suppose it bothers me because I don't fit neatly into ANY of the pre-described slots and so like so many dead letters, I end up on the floor of the sorting room. 

For those of you who are close to me this isn't news, you have probably heard me rant about it before, and I apologize. For some I am not hairy enough, for others I am too hairy. For some I am too big and for others I am not big enough. And so it goes on and on and I end up feeling like I don't know what is expected of me. 

Today for example I was chatting with a very sweet young man who insists that I am Daddy. That is all well and good for some fun now and again, but really folks, I have a soon to be 13 year old for who I am truly her daddy. I don't need a 20 year old who calls me that because it makes his dick hard. It is hard to escape the stereotype though. I am 45 and what hair I have is gray. I am a big man so it is natural to be seen as daddy, and as I say, once in a while in the bedroom, can you call me that... sure. I only have problems when that is the only thing you can call me. Sometimes... I might want you to be daddy. 

When I first came out I met a man 15+ years my senior who was very sweet and held my hand as I came out. He would tell me how he didn't understand all these rolls we have created in our beloved community. When he came into the community, you got naked and did what ever came natural, maybe sometimes you were the top and other times you were the bottom. That sounds so much like me... and yet I cannot seem to find other men who feel the same. 

I think it may be along the lines of why conservatism is so popular. Just listen to them, there is black and white and no gray. It is all very easy. And so the rolls in our community also make it easy, you're in the club or you're not. How sad for us that we have become like every other part of society and have lost our ability to include all of those who have been given the special gift of loving people of the same gender. 

I prefer living my life in all its messy technicolor glory. Anybody want to join me? 

Boys; You Can't Live With 'Em, and You Can't Have Sex Without 'Em

I was reminded yesterday evening of how difficult it is when someone you are seeing makes a unilateral decision about your relationship. It has happened to me on several occasions in my own dating life. You are going along seemingly knitting your lives together and giving more and more of your heart only to have the rug pulled out from under you in a phone call, e-mail, IM or conversation. You are left standing there wondering what you have done, why you have risked getting hurt again. 

For me the answer is simple, without risk there is no possibility of reward. In the moment this is little comfort, in fact, it won't even stop the ache for a millisecond, but it is the underlying reason why we risk our hearts, gay or straight, to be in relationship. 

It is also the foundation of why I am a man of faith. I believe that we are called to relationship with the Creator and that our interpersonal relationships are were we learn how to be in relationship with God. Unfortunately we are frail humans subject to the imperfection of our being and we often end up hurting each other. It sucks. 

But in those times when it sucks, we learn things about ourselves, sometimes things we don't want to know, sometimes things we always knew. Most importantly we are reminded that we are alive, and able to feel emotion and able to form attachments to other people. 

It is the scandal of being gay, we are just like the straight community. We can break each other's hearts and find it within ourselves to move on. 

You get extra credit if you get the two song references in the last two paragraphs. 

We'd Like to Thank You Herbert Hoover

Those of you who know me understand how I have this strange ability or affliction to attach events to songs... so this morning this wonderful song keeps running through my head, from a musical that I am not all that enamored with... Annie. 

It strikes me as unbelievable that the men and women that we send to Washington DC can fail time and time again to discern when it is in the country's best interest not to listen to popular opinion. Of course it makes sense along an issue like gay marriage where one side of the aisle believes the world is black and white and there is no gray, let alone color... but when it comes to our economic well being, how can these men and women be so short sighted. 

So yesterday along largely ideological lines the House of Representatives defeated the economic recovery package sending the world's financial markets into a tail spin. We are quick to point out that it wasn't the worst fall... by percentage... but it was the biggest number, 777 points... OUCH. And so we are doomed to continue to ride this roller coaster that is the financial markets of the world, and I am doomed to have more friends and possibly even me, loose their jobs. Many of which now are people that have high positions, executive vice presidents that have given more than 10 years of service to their companies, yes friends that's just how bad it is. 

It is so bad, that I am afraid to call some companies because I am not sure who's still there. And all this brought to you by... our president shrub and his friends who believe that if you just give more money to the rich people and big corporations, surely some of that will dribble down to the rest of us. 

Funny, it would seem that if you give the rich and large corporations more money, they gamble it away trying to make even more. Maybe it's time we try it a different way. Maybe it is, as Barack Obama says, time for a change. Real change. Not the change of, "look at me I'm a Maverick, even though I have been here 40 years". Maybe it's time we put a little money in the pockets of those who make less than $200,000/year and finance it by increasing the taxes on the gamblers who make more than that and have been living high on the hog by the sweat of the rest of our labors. 

Funny the last "tax and spend liberal" who was elected to 8 years left us with a surplus and a booming economy. Let's just remember that as the right tries yet again to make that label stick to the only HOPE we have had in decades. 

Aren't we glad something has distracted me from my personal life? =0) 

The Pain of Change

I apologize if I am stuck recently on the same subjects, namely how my life is changing before my eyes of late, but I find that writing down the raw thoughts in my mind helps me keep moving forward. And they are truly the raw thoughts at the moment I am writing. 

So this is a huge week of transition. One housemate is moving out and we are re-configuring our lives to move on. By Thursday I will likely be alone in the little house on Del Vale with just Peety and Chipdog. It's going to be hard for me, I am dreading it really because it will mark the moment from which nothing will ever be the same. 

That's not to say that things haven't been changing all summer, but there is a finality when someone moves. Somehow it's all irrevocable from there. I suspect I have to get used to that feeling in the pit of my stomach, because I think there is going to be a lot of moving going on in the next year. 

As we all know, change is uncomfortable for the human species, and so I am not an exception. I just struggle so hard to make friends, and we are talking just friends here, that to have my whole friend structure turned on its ear, scares me. It seems like I am going to be forced to travel alone, and explore alone and that's sad. Of course, there will be joint trips and time spent together as friends, but it will never again be what it has been, and so I mourn. 

Someday I will look back on this from some other perspective, and this will all be the beginning of where I am then, god do I wish I could see from that place right now so maybe... just maybe... it wouldn't hurt so much to be where I am now. 

Move On...

As in all times of transition, some days are just better than others. This has very much turned out to be a summer of discovery and transition for me. At times it feels like a forest fire burning through clearing the dead underbrush of my life. Then there are the times when it feels like there is the new grand adventure right in front of me. And then there are days like today when I just wish the pain would stop. That feeling of a raw open wound that is constantly being irritated. 

I have had the Sondheim song Move On running through my head all morning. How I wish it was as easy as those two words. When you find yourself waking up realizing you have been in a relationship of sorts for many years that has all of a sudden come to an end, it's hard to just move on. 

It is these times when I realize just how much I used to do with my peeps. Part of the problem is that I am at once thrilled and inspired for some of the developments, but some of those same developments mean I am no longer necessary. The role I used to fill... or maybe occupy is more correct, is rightfully taken by someone who can give what wasn't mine to give. 

So here I am, struggling to find a new way in my life. Lost in the forest with a forest fire burning behind me, and no clear direction to run. I am convinced there is a beautiful meadow somewhere, I just have to figure out how to find it and where to find my sweet, sexy, intelligent, wonderful guide. Where the HELL are you? 

Architcture can be humbling

I have been contemplating lately the reach of what I do as an architect. I became an architect primarily because I wanted to create homes. Places for the human race to find refuge from the elements. After all that is what a home is, a place of refuge where we can connect with those we love. 

It's what puzzles me about people who purchase a home as an investment. I think this has been brought on somewhat by we in the housing industry who refer to a group of homes as "product". When we use commodity terms for what we create, how can the public help but look at what they are purchasing in the same way. To that end I have endeavored to remove the word "product" from my work vocabulary when I am discussing what I create each day. Of course my friends all say that all I do is sit around an doodle... and that is true to an extent. 

So I sit here creating homes each day... oh sometimes there are other buildings, but mostly homes. And then one day this summer I landed a project in Dubai. Yes, that Dubai in the UAE. As I was working on those homes earlier this month, it all of a sudden dawned on me that I am creating homes in another country, for another culture, and I was totally humbled. What a trip. These homes have many of the same things that homes here do, after all they did hire a Californian architect. Then you get to the maid's room (barely 7 feet by 7 feet) and you remember you are in a totally different world where space is valued to the point that it isn't wasted on frivolous rooms that are 20 feet wide and 30 feet long. 

Anyway I am humbled by the experience, and thrilled. Maybe I will even get to go there one day and see them built. 

Some Things Give Me Hope

Specifically two people really... I am blessed to have been given the priveledge of meeting the new guy in my best friend's life. It's of course, too early to tell where this all might lead, but still there is inspiration.

Inspiration that one day, out of the blue, I will find someone who causes me to pause and consider changing course. Someone who will cause me to giggle like I never have before. Someone who will make my eye twinkle with the light of joy that we only find in another human being.

Inspiration that even yet at 46 years old I might find a guy who laughs at my lame jokes and welcomes my best friend into his life like he's always been there.

Inspiration that two lives can intersect without one having to change entirely to coexist with the other.

Inspiration that yet, even still, though he is many years late... he will come.

Thanks Big Bear and Little Dude... you bless me.