I am jealous today. I don't know how else to put it; I can't think of some other term. I should be very happy, my life is okay, I leave for Paris in four days, I have a job, I have a home I love, and I have the best friends you could ask for, but I am jealous.
I have been told I shouldn't be, relationships, even ones that succeed are a pain in the ass, and yet I am jealous. I don't understand my life sometimes. I know I am a nice guy, I am even handsome. I have been told I am sexy too. And yet, I rarely get past the first date. It puzzles me.
I wonder if I do something wrong. I wonder if my not coming out till I was 37 years old, handicapped me somehow. Do I miss the signs? Do I not know the "code"?
It is ever so difficult for me not to compare myself to my piers. It is what we are socialized to do, particularly as men. I guess I should just go forward, without expectation. I should just live my life, and love myself. But I am selfish, I want more.
I want someone to cling to, cleave to even, when I have a week like the one just past. I want to come home and have a man call and say, hey let's get together and grab a bite and sit on the couch and make out. I want a man want to come spend a couple of days with me in SF or for me to spend a couple of days with him in ______. I want to have a man to share my joy with, to travel with, to raise my daughter with, so that she knows that I'm not a freak. I want to find a man to spend my old age with.
And yet no man comes. My friends get dates, so I know it's possible. I believe there is a man out there, somewhere, maybe even in San Francisco, who will love me. But when?
It is difficult to not be jealous. It is hard to keep believing. And yet, I must go on.
2 comments:
Thanks for writing out your feelings...I hope that it helps you.
Big hugs
Does it help that you have a straight niece who is in the EXACT SAME BOAT?
It was great to see you this weekend!
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