And Then There Was One

So while my best friend and housemate Kenneth wrote a beautiful piece about Peety, I thought I might give it a shot as well because it helps me too to work through these things on paper, even virtual paper.

So Monday for me, started off like other sick days. I dealt with the office and made sure as best as I could that things would function “normally”. As is often the case when I am home I fed breakfast to the goofy goober Peety and our curmudgeon Chipdog, and the day began.

Peety bounced into my life two and a half years ago, one summer afternoon at the County of Santa Clara SPCA. Chipdog wasn’t so sure, but I think Peety won the human hearts almost instantly. And so our journey began.

Peety didn’t walk or run through life he bounced. In the evening when I came home, I often found him and Chipdog in the garage, and Peety would always be hopping. I began to say “who’s hoppy to see me?” What joy that hopping gave.

There were beach trips, too few. Lots of licking. Secret snuggles on my bed. And hours of loving.

This afternoon was my first afternoon coming home, to no Hoppy Dog. There had been so many tears last night that I really didn’t think there were more, and yet, turning the key in the door and opening it to an empty entry hall with no Hoppy Dog, triggered yet another flood.

I know in my heart Peety will always live, and I have been down this road before with Aroshka, but it all happened so quickly. If he had been visibly sick maybe it would have been easier… but there he went his bouncy self, off to another adventure, never to return to Del Vale Avenue and bring his brand of joy to our days.

I will miss you always Hoppy Dog.

And then there was one.

What Am I Doing?

I find myself skipping merrily down the path of having met a new guy online, and it’s new because not many guys have ever come after me, it’s just a fact of life. I am usually the one who has to show interest, or I miss it when someone is interested in me. So when it happens, it is almost euphoric in nature. I get, I don’t know how to describe it other than, high. And I have to admit I like the feeling.

This guy is HOT. Probably the hottest guy I have ever realized is interested in me.

BUT… the warning signals are there. He lied about his age, a little thing. His initial response to my post said he was 40, he’s 47. I’ll over look that.

He lives in Southern California, geographically undesirable. Not horribly so, he’s not in another state. He comes to the bay area, and lived here. I can manage that.

He says he owns a house. Come to find out he owns a house with his partner of 4 years, their situation is tenuous, unclear. WOAH.

And yet, like a moth to a flame I am drawn. We have great conversation; the easy kind that you don’t have to work at. There’s witty repartee. He’s HOT. He thinks I’m hot.

Am I so desperate to be loved? Am I so unloveable by an available man? Are there no men who represent themselves clearly from the start? Do I have no clue how to find a man who is right for me?

I don’t understand why it’s so complicated. What am I doing? Can I manage to keep this on a physical level where it MUST remain? I fear not.

What am I doing?

And so it goes

It is fascinating to me how my life can be so circular at times. I try very hard to learn and move on always improving who I am with each new lesson. I have come to understand that I am a very relationship oriented person. I have deep abiding friendships, not many, but I cherish them all.

I deeply love my family. They have stood by me through success and failure and have never once said what I imagine must have been on their minds. I am fairly self aware.

So why is it I can never seem to escape the feeling that I am fundamentally handicapped when it comes to dating?

I have tried to watch other men around me and pick up what is apparently a complex code of what you can and cannot say to a man you are dating. I have tried to observe where men meet in hopes that I might go there and meet someone who would like to spend time with me. I have tried to just be present in situations and not care if a guy likes me or not. I have tried to ignore the feeling that all those around me, straight, gay, bi, transgendered, or whatever, are all in relationships enjoying the company of someone that they like, love or simply enjoy. And I fail miserably.

This is admittedly self-indulgent of me to write about, but it sometimes helps me to write it down. It works something like a moment on a retreat weekend that changed my relationship with God when I laid things on an altar and walked away. It isn't always totally successful, but it does work sometimes.

So where do I go wrong? How do I escape what seems to be the inescapable feeling that I will be alone for the next 50 years?

I have thought about reading a book or books. I have tried talking to other gay men and no one seems to be able to say more than, "when you least expect it, that's when you'll meet him." Well after 9 years of being single and only dating what amounts to a handful of men, I couldn't expect it any less than I do right now. I have begun to think it impossible.

I have no answers, and I am frankly tired of thinking about it, and yet I seem to be able to do nothing but think about, another birthday, another Thanksgiving, another Christmas and anothe year with no one to share intimacy with.

Cheesecake Factory

Okay, so normally I avoid the Cheesecake Factory. Not because I am afraid I will end up face down in a cheesecake devouring it, but because I think it represents everything that is bad about popular American restaurants. Portions are HUGE and everything is filled with fat or fried in it or both.

So a dear friend of mine agreed to have lunch with me today while I was here in Seattle, and he suggested the Cheesecake Factory, I resisted the urge to say HELL NO and agreed to go. So we sat down and I started to peruse the menu... let me back up...

As an architect I was first assaulted by what passes for interior design. Holy god, it was a horribly bad Disney movie set. wow. Then comes the menu... I don't think I have ever seen a menu that has advertising for other products, that's right, other products. Not only is it PONDEROUSLY long, but it has advertising like a magazine.

But wait, we haven't even gotten to my real bitch yet... towards the back of the menu I find the, and I quote, "Weight Management Salads".

Now first of all, it is a well known fact that I am on Weight Watchers. I have to date lost in the vicinity of 80 pounds and am proud of it. So in the midst of getting a separate menu that listed the nutritional value of all the entrees, and let me tell you, that is a SCARY read at the Cheesecake Factory, I find something that is aimed at me. I want to say thank you for that much.

BUT... each of the salads, has "Weight Management" in it's name, FORCING the patron to say Weight Management Spicy Chicken Salad to the server. Now I shortened that to Spicy Chicken Salad when I read all the other salad names and assured myself there was no other Spicy Chicken Salad, but then when the food runner brought the salad she made sure to announce for all those around that I was having the Weight Management Spicy Chicken Salad. How nice for me.

The Cheesecake Factory has only managed to shoot their good deed in the foot, and the corporate office can expect a small note from me outlining that misstep.

I'm never totally successful

So once again I find myself back here in the circle that is my fickle adoration with men. I don't know if any other gay men experience this same feeling; that there is simply no way to fit into the community in an appropriate or acceptable manner. And worse than that feeling is the feeling that no one will ever show up in your life that wants to do more than have sex and leave.

When I first came out and moved to San Francisco just over 9 years ago, my first boyfriend (I apply that term generously to him) introduced me to the bear community. I thought to myself, "if I had only known these gay men existed I would never have hidden in the closet. They look just like me." I had such high hopes of being accepted into the "club". I had spent my entire teen years looking at what the few public images of gay men were, and of course porn images of what gay men were, and well, at 6'5" tall and over 200 pounds, I didn't look like them. Even when I was swimming, I didn't look like them. So I decided, how can I be gay? No one will ever want me.

Flash forward to being in my latter 30s in San Francisco, recently divorced and recently out and here are big hairy men, who happen to enjoy the company of other men. Wow, JACKPOT. Or so I thought. It seems that as I was coming out the bear community was becoming more like the rest of the gay community. If you weren't the perfect belly, the perfect amount and pattern of hair, otterish, muscle bound, or some other derivative, you were no longer an "acceptable" bear.

Recently I have taken to saying I am on the F-list of bears hoping some day to be a D-lister... move over Kathy Griffin.

But here I am again this morning back to feeling sorry for myself. A friend told me to snap out of it last night, and he's right, I should. I have a wonderful group of friends, two men I consider my best friends, and a family that loves and accepts me. Why do I need some lug in my life, messing up my sheets and making me compromise. Because I need, no, I crave, the intimacy and complexity and challenge and love that is unique to a relationship.

Steven Sondheim says, "alone is alone, not alive". Sometimes, like today, that feels oh so very true.

Dear fellow facebookers...

You might want to take a moment and watch this hysterical youtube on how to successfully navigate the waters of relationship etiquette on facebook. I violated office etiquette rule number 3 "Don't laugh outloud while watching youtube videos at your desk."

Thanks Greg the Gay Sportscaster!

Okay, I was, admittedly, facebooking this morning and ran across a post from a friend with the video below and let me just say... gotta love those English! I can't believe how, well, open they are. And, on top of it, the men are DELICIOUS. Check it out!

Gay Education

Okay, if you haven't seen this yet... watch and be edified. 

The names have been changed to protect the inocent.

This past week has reminded me why I find dating so challenging in the 21^st century. I will not use names, because it is not my purpose to embarrass or accuse anyone but what I will relate are two actual things that happened to me.

A week ago last Thursday, I got a message from a guy I have been chatting with that he was out near my office visiting. We decided that I could get away for a few minutes so we could grab a cup of coffee and actually meet. He had told me that someone he really cared about had just passed away and so I was glad to meet with him. We had a nice cup of coffee and discussed our lives and what we like to do and I was thinking that I would really like to get to know him, he seemed nice and open and honest. He told me he was going home to head for Tahoe that night for a week and I left looking forward to our next meeting after he was back from Tahoe.

Fast forward to the day before yesterday, Saturday; I am chatting online and I notice that this guy comes online so I say hi. We start chatting and he is using “we” a lot in reference to his trip. He then says in the course of the converstation that “we” left on the previous Sunday for Tahoe, and I thought to myself, that’s odd, I thought he went the Thursday before that, but I let it slide. Well I like to be flirty online, just so it’s clear I’m interested and in response to one of my flirts he says, “too bad I have partners”. I about fell over. You think in the course of a coffee meeting and the preceding “chatting” that we might have mentioned a partner, let alone multiple ones; one down.

So then this past Tuesday, there is a guy I have been chatting with on facebook. I don’t rightly know how we became “friends” there, but we did, and I thought he was cute. We have exchanged several messages back and forth as people do on facebook. On Sunday we were chatting and decided we would get together for coffee after my gym time on Tuesday evening. Monday in a brief chat at lunchtime I discovered that he lived near my office so I suggested lunch Tuesday rather than him having to trek into SF Tuesday night, good deal all around.

Tuesday we had a lovely lunch at a local guilty pleasure of mine. Good conversation, lots of flirty looks and touches. Very promising; we left promising to call each other. Tuesday evening I got home late, and didn’t feel comfortable calling, so I sent a message Wednesday morning via facebook saying that I was unsure how late I could call, but had had a great time and was looking forward to the next time.

In response to my message I got a message saying how I had just disappeared in a whoosh. I responded politely pointing out that I had sent the message he responded to, and said that I was unsure when I could call.

Wednesday evening I had plans and so Thursday during the day, I called and left a voicemail for him. Crickets.

Yesterday evening, I am online cruising around and I notice that he is online, so I send him a message. He says “Hi” back and so I think, okay everything is fine. I ask how he is and get, I kid you not, “I’m scared of you”. Okay, I admit it, I should have deleted and blocked at that point, but I am so, as Kenneth says, optimistic, about people that I just had to understand. I said “How so?”

The response was, again I kid you not, “Because there was an architect, whose name I never got, who was stalking me in December and you might be him.” 0 for 2. I politely thanked him for chatting with me and wished him well.

Dating cannot be this difficult. How can any of us ever expect to connect with each other in any honest way, if we cannot be honest about the simplest things? I am so very discouraged, and yes I know none of this has anything to do with me, but it does cause me to question my judgment which is normally accurate about people, why is it so bent when it comes to men I want to date? It’s very frustrating.  

Stop trying to substitute your religion for mine!

So here’s what I don’t understand about those who support “traditional marriage”, maybe one of you, if you can avoid the hate speak, can explain it to me rationally. Here’s my question/thesis.

Last time I checked we live in a secular democratic republic, correct?

Conservative faiths of all brands love to remind us that we were founded by faithful people, correct?

Those faithful people saw fit not only to not name a national religion, but also prevented the federal government from establishing a state religion in the future, correct?

And for the past 232 years, we have created this nation based on religious freedom, the freedom to worship as we all see fit, correct?

 

So how does this work this morning, when I go to the public square of my city, Civic Center Plaza, in San Francisco, California, to participate in an inter-faith prayer service for the California Supreme Court as they prepare to hear oral arguments this morning and determine if a majority of Californians can take away the constitutional rights of a minority of Californians; and we are having a nice service celebrating our queer spirituality and the bigots who believe that my desire to marry a man instead of a woman is somehow going to ruin marriage for heterosexuals, come over and try to disrupt that service. You don’t see me showing up to some conservative church in Orange County on Sunday morning when they are praying that I will die because I’m gay, trying to disrupt their worship, no! That would be disrespectful of their PERSONAL religious beliefs. But you cannot extend those very personal religious beliefs and impose them on all of the people in this great nation, that is not permitted by the constitution of the State of California or the United States of America.

Having been quite conservative in my faith at one point in my life, I can understand how this happens, but it MUST stop. We must learn to live together if this country is to survive.

Make no mistake, rights, including marriage, for the LGBTQI Community are Civil Rights in every sense. What happens for proposition 8 will forever influence how any given majority treats any given minority in this country. We must stand together; all minorities, sexual, racial, gender, religious. We must protect each other’s rights, even if they are not in line with our personal beliefs. That is the only way that this great nation will survive.

Happy Valentine's a.k.a. Singles Awareness Day!

So there are two holidays each year that remind me that I am alone much more than all the rest combined. I suppose that is because somehow they are the two holidays that aren’t truly family oriented; that, and the fact that they occur approximately 6 weeks apart.

At church last Sunday, someone referred to Valentine’s day as “Singles Awareness Day” and I think I am going to personally adopt that name as well. Never at any other time of the year, except New Year’s Eve, am I more aware of the fact that I am not dating or loving that special man, than on Singles Awareness Day. I think it is really designed that way.

Those of us who, through no direct doing of our own, are without a special someone; are reminded in drugstores, radio commercials and even TV that February 14^th is a day to be in love. And this year, I even get to sing in a Chorus concert called Seasons of Love the 13^th, 14^th, and 15^th, just in case I wasn’t acutely aware that I am not in love at the moment.

I know, I know, I am sounding bitter, and I suppose I am. I guess I am just wishing that somewhere along the line, the ones who are truly lucky enough to have someone to celebrate Singles Awareness Day with; would remember that some of us are not as lucky. Some of us will be asking ourselves to be our Valentine.

That’s what I’m doing.

Don will you be my Valentine?

Oh great… just like a man… no answer. 

Convicted... Yet Again!

So on Friday I was convicted through a scripture in an e-mail from a wonderful online buddy and then yesterday I went to church and got convicted again, by Job.

It’s odd I don’t normally associate myself with Job. For those who don’t know of the Job I am referring to, he is a Biblical character who is the subject of a wager of sorts between God and depending on your translation, Satan. God agrees to let this being take away all that Job has in two phases; first his material things and then his health. The wager amounts to, I bet he won’t stay faithful to you God, because God has been bragging on how faithful Job is to him. And The Satan says well it’s easy because Job has it good.

So yesterday Pastor Lea Brown, all 4’10” of her, launches into a discussion of Job. Now as I said I don’t normally associate my plight with that of Job, and I will say right now, I am SO NOT that bad off by any means, but much of what Lea had to say, sounded so Don to me. All of Job’s friends tell him how faithful he is, what a great guy… check. Job goes through some tremendous looses… check (yes I get a check even though I haven’t lost all my servants, children and money, yet). I don’t get a check for the health thing, but hey two out of three isn’t bad.

But Lea’s exploration led me to think very seriously about my complaints of recent weeks and months. I have whined about loosing 12% of my salary. Huh… there are those who are doing without any salary what-so-ever. I have whined about being alone. Huh… I’m not really alone; I have friends and family that surround me with love.

I guess what I am saying, is that I can choose to focus on the bad or I can choose to try and set my eyes on the good. I know that sounds strangely similar to Friday, but sometimes I need to be reminded… often.

Does that keep me from asking the questions of and wrestling with God over where I am? No, and I don’t think it precludes those things from happening either. Job challenged God and so I think the way I have been crying out to God has precedence. I do find myself wishing God would whisper in my ear, so I clearly knew what to do, but alas he chooses not to.

I will continually struggle to understand God’s plan for my life. Why I have been single for almost 9 years with only a few brief periods where there was anyone special to be intimately involved with. I have to say I don’t understand it. I find it difficult to answer the question “why are you still single?”

I also don’t claim to understand how I will make it on 12% less money, but I imagine I can figure it out.

It’s all a process, no doubt. And so I will make every attempt to move forward. 

I'm Convicted

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble,

whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things

are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is anY virtue

and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things.

PHILIPPIANS 4:8 (NKJV)

Okay first of all, what I am about to write requires no action. That is not the purpose of my blog ever. I write often because it is a means of getting things out of my head where they cause me fear and doubt and getting them onto paper where I can see them and somehow deal with them. It’s a process. Maybe not the best one, but it’s mine right now. 

So in an e-mail from an online friend this morning was the scripture that I quoted. I was instantly in tears, which is untoward when one is dressed in a shirt and tie at his office. This has been a bad week. Most people don’t know that because I am a fairly good actor after 46 years. It only seeps out around the edges when I am alone or I think no one is looking. 

I was also convicted by the scripture. Convicted that I have for a while now dwelled on what is wrong, what is going bad, what I am scared about, and not celebrated the good. Oh it isn’t easy to do that, I know, but I used to be able to. I used to be able to keep my eyes affixed to the joys of my life: Katie, Kenneth, Eric, Carlton, MichaelHamlin, Jim, and too many others to type. I used to be able to let the bad roll off my back, like water off a duck’s back; but not now. 

I am not certain what has changed. I don’t think the problems are appreciably worse, though they may be. Even the victories in my life get sucked up and drown by the seemingly constant barrage of challenges. 

For example, last week I had just finished my first week back at the gym. I, for the first time ever, was looking forward to going; go figure. I came home from a weekend with Katie in Seattle on Monday and came to the office on Tuesday, gym bag in hand ready to pay my fees and join up (the first week was a free trial). So I checked my checking account and… not enough money. I spiraled quickly into beating myself for not planning better (I am finding adjusting to 12% less salary is not easy). I felt betrayed. I screamed at God. Like he has time to be worried about Don’s gym membership; I skulked. None of which I am proud of. 

At the same time I have been putting off registering my vehicle. I quite frankly have not had the money. I haven’t been driving because I made a commitment to do my tiny part towards a better climate, and the car needs some work that I also haven’t been able to afford. I have been worried because it seems that the SFPD has nothing better to do than search for expired registration. Tuesday this week I came home to no car; towed. Great, now I am screwed. More self rapprochement, more self loathing, more screaming at God; and none of it is appropriate or helpful. 

I don’t know how to unravel this one. I have paid the registration, but that is only part of the problem, now there are tow fees and I have no money, well I have money but I also have other bills. This is vexing to me. It frankly paralyzes me. I figure I need another $500 to $800 to stay afloat. Not to mention the fact that I have to get the car home again. 

So today I open my e-mail and there is a note from Johnny containing the scripture from Philippians, a scripture I am familiar with, okay very familiar with. I am convicted and I am going to face today and hopefully tomorrow and hopefully beyond, by meditating on the praiseworthy things in my life. Thank you to all of you who are a part of that praiseworthy meditation. 

Jon Stewart was listening...

So apparently my blog is wider read than I thought. Jon Stewart must have picked up on it... right?

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Fox News Fear Imbalance

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Welcome Madam Secretary

I am once again proud of Hillary Clinton. If you have not watched the video here from her first day at the State Department, yesterday, take a moment, okay 4 minutes, and watch it. I am so excited to have an administration in Washington DC that I can be once again proud to call my president. It is clear to me that Hillary Clinton was an EXCELLENT choice to be our top diplomat. I am so very excited to see what she does in concert with the President and Vice President. 

Nothing to Fear but Fear

We all know the phrase coined by FDR, “we have nothing to fear, but fear it self.” I have never understood that phrase better than I do now, after 8 years of the Bush administration and my own experience in life dealing with my demons.

I think of myself as an emotionally strong individual. I am comfortable getting in an airplane, climbing on a rollercoaster, driving faster than I should. I must confess to not understanding for a moment what an agoraphobic feels like when he or she cannot leave their home; it seems impossible to me to be that scared.

At the same time I have watched as the country I love trades away freedoms in the name of finding security, I have watched as liberties are taken away to the sound of the thunderous approval of my fellow citizens. I watched as for 8 years an administration manipulated the fears of our country with the “Threat Level;” does anyone really know what threat level orange really means? We hear it in the airport every time we fly. Has it really made us safer?

Even now, on ABC there is a “reality” show called Homeland Security… astonishing.

The emperor has no clothes I say! We are no safer today than we were on 9/10/2001 and I would submit that we were safe enough then. Stripping naked while trying to board an aircraft has done nothing more than make us scared; it has not made us safer.

The other place that the power of fear is evident in our society is in how homosexuality is viewed by conservative religions. The basis of the arguments opposing same sex marriage are all rooted in some unfound fear that the mere act of same sex couples marrying somehow threatens heterosexual marriage. Come now. What is there to fear about same sex couples marrying?

I think I understand the power of fear even better in the context of my own life. If you read me consistently, you know how I struggle with finances and love among other things. And I find myself reacting totally out of fear to the point of being paralyzed sometimes.

I am fearful of loosing my job, because of that I am fearful about being able to afford to visit my daughter each month in Seattle and because of that I postpone purchasing tickets so they become even more expensive.

I am fearful of being alone, and so I desperately thrash about looking for someone to date; attractive right?

I am fearful of being able to afford to pay future bills, so I don’t pay the current ones in order to save money.

It’s all twisted, but that is my point. Fear f*cks with your mind (sorry about the expletive but it seemed to be the only appropriate word).

So I am in the midst of trying to not be so fearful so that I will be able to deal with the things I need to deal with.

Oh that is so easy to say.

I look forward to when it is easy to do.

I pray that with the advent of the Obama administration, we can cling to the hope through the difficult months and years ahead, and make the tough choices, unfrozen by fear. 

Is Obama the Balm For Our Wounds?

What an incredible day yesterday. A day of pomp and circumstance; a day of historic proportion; and rather than a speech with platitudes and soaring rhetoric, a speech with the stark reality of what lies ahead and hope that we will unite as a country and conquer our challenges. I truly believe that if this was ever possible in our history it is possible now.

And yet what does that mean on the ground, for me?

I continue to hear stories and see in my day to day work life, how things continue to deteriorate. I know that without some shift, I will not make it to the promised recovery employed where I am. I wonder if this is how MLK felt when he talked of not making it to the promise land. I know the comparison is weak, but it comes to mind because of this week’s events and the proximity to the MLK holiday/celebration.

Increasingly each day, I must summon more energy to walk out the door and head to work and increasingly I want to stay home in bed. Yes, I know; signs of depression. And I suppose around the edges it may be. But honestly it is mostly frustration for me.

I believe I am talented at what I do. I love architecture, and always have since I was a child. I have always found enough joy to bridge what ever gap in compensation and prestige existed in my career; until now.

Until now when I should be entering the zenith of my work; until now when I am watching and rooting for others as they excel, and until now when my very job is in jeopardy.

I feel like a malcontent. I feel disloyal to those I know who are enjoying success. I fear that people won’t want to share their own successes and joys with me for fear it will “push me over the edge;” instead of just uplifting me some as it really does to hear of someone else’s success.

And so is Obama the cure? Well in some ways, yes. The new administration brings with it hopes and dreams. Will it be instantaneous? No. It simply can’t be and I pray that America can grasp that.

I don’t honestly know how Barrack Obama shoulders the hopes and dreams of all the people who have cast theirs upon him. But I am certainly thrilled that he is willing to try. 

Good Bye Pessimism: Hello Hope!

So it is only two days till Barrack Obama takes the oath of office on the steps of the capitol building in Washington DC and we turn a historic page in our nation’s history. I found myself wondering in church this morning what it was like in January of 1961 when John F. Kennedy was about to take the oath.

Of course at that time we were relatively prosperous. A popular Republican administration was leaving office and the country was strong. What a stark contrast to these times when there are few people who can wait for the current administration to slink out of Washington DC into oblivion, or at least we hope oblivion.

And so we have hope.

We have hope that after our country has paid the price for our selfishness and greed, that we can strike a balance of government and private that will bring this country back to a time of genuine national pride. Pride in ourselves as a people; pride in our nation as an open, loving society; pride in our equal treatment of EVERYONE under the law.

We have much work ahead of us. I pray that we remember that it took 8 years to get into the trouble we are in and we cannot hope to be out of it by summer.

There is undoubtedly more pain ahead.

But through it all we will have hope. Hope that once again tomorrow will bring a better day; that tomorrow will be happier than today; and hope that we can all live in peace.

So this week will be one of pomp, circumstance and history. I think of my 13 year old daughter, who I don’t think can begin to grasp the gravity of the situation mostly because I am not sure that I can grasp it. I know that I will look back from the end of my life to this time and remember what a feeling of hope I had/have in my heart right now.

I pray for the success of this administration as I have for the success of every administration because they are always my presidents, no matter how much or how little I like them. My father taught me that. Thanks Jim. 

Alone in a crowded room

Why does being alone bother me so much? Being ½ of something isn’t all that great when you can be the whole on your own. So why do I care?

This has been my struggle for 9 years. 9 years ago I was ½ of something. It was toxic, and killing me, but I belonged. When I had a bad day I came home to someone, I had someone in my bed each night; someone to kiss.

And so I decided to change my life; to fix what was wrong and I did and it was better.

Now, 9 years later, I wonder if I made the right decision. I come home to an empty bed, and empty life, and I am a whole. I have a tough day and there’s no one to hold me, no one to kiss and make it… not better… but easier to endure. I crave intimate companionship; time just spent together talking about everything and nothing; sharing a caress and a kiss.

I have faith, I have a supportive family and I have wonderful friends who love me deeply and care for me and listen to me whine, and yet I am spoiled and selfish to the point of saying that that love isn’t enough. I guess I am simply built that way; created to be in relationship.

It’s funny, that is actually what I believe is at the heart of the Gospel. Maybe that’s why I find it so very difficult that intimate relationship, the type that includes but transcends sex is not a part of my life right now and really has never been. I believe with all my heart that God calls us to be in relationship with each other, intimately, so that we know and understand as much as our human mind can, what it is to be in relationship with God; and I am denied that. And before someone says, “when you least expect it, it will be there” yet again, please understand that I have heard it before.

At times I feel defective; I feel like no matter what, there is something wrong. I feel as if there is a huge hump on my back that everyone around me clearly sees but no one wants to tell me is there.

Is it only my weight? That takes me right back to yesterday’s post. If that is indeed the problem, and I resolve that, and something happens that causes me to revert back to where I am today, then what? Am I then SOL? I cannot believe that what I seek is built on something as fragile as appearance.

Do I just meet the wrong guys? Should I look somewhere else? Where in the heck would that be? I have known people to meet wonderful men on the internet. I have known people to meet men at church or in the chorus, all places that I am as a part of my “regular” life.

I guess my only option is to move on, go forward, continue to put myself out there in my daily life and hope that one day when I least expect it, I will trip over some great guy.

And hopefully it won’t be the undertaker at my funeral. 

Last Chance for Preconstruction Pricing...

So last night I embarked on the next leg of my adventure to reinvent myself. After a 2+ year hiatus, I returned to the gym. I have never been able to catch the gym bug. I have tried several times over my 46 years to get there, but it never seems to happen.

My most recent foray into going was at a posh club in Pleasanton near my office. It was like going to a spa and I thought that would make it possible for me to be motivated. Instead I found that my time at the gym was the thing I could move to make room for yet another meeting. It was the most flexible thing on my schedule, so flexible that it got flexed right away.

So now, after much thought and having lost the first thirty pounds of the one-hundred pound goal, I have chosen Gold’s Gym in the SOMA area of San Francisco. This is no spa. I don’t mean that as a negative, it is simply a comparison. So last night I was there, sweating off my 650 calories with 40 minutes of cardio and I wasn’t bored out of my skull. That is a first. So maybe things are different.

All this has gotten me started thinking about myself and hence the title of this piece. One of my fears about embarking on this journey of reinventing myself physically is that if I was to meet someone after the transformation is more or less complete, what would happen if I was to back slide? Would I be dismissed like an unwanted or underperforming employee? Would my relationship pivot on my physical appearance?

So I have begun to think of those who are in my life now as preconstruction buyers; people who are willing to purchase with just an idea on paper. These people always get preferences because they are willing to commit before the physical is complete. You know who you are and you will all be cherished people in my life. 

Yet another life lesson

It is difficult to remember how you once made it on a previous salary amount. At the end of this past year I took a percentage decrease in my salary in order to remain employed. Yes the times are that bad. If you are insulated from the turmoil that is this economy, count yourself very lucky, I face it every morning and it makes going to the office very difficult.

 At the same time I am realizing that I have no clue how I made it on less money. I have to figure this out rather quickly or face a deficit of my own, and unlike the State or Federal government, I can’t simply borrow or print my way through it.

 Of course, at the same time as my salary is going down, expenses are going up. Imagine my dilemma. On top of this, I am loosing weight, which is a good thing, but it also will eventually require new clothes. And so the choices arise.

 I had just, in the past 12 months, reached a place where I felt I could live a little. I wasn’t worried every time a bill showed up. I didn’t hesitate to go to the market. I would go buy a new pair of pants or a new pair of shoes or a new shirt and not worry about it. And now, here I am, back to feeling like I can’t do anything without fretting over it.

 So now I have to go back and constantly ask myself the question, do I really need that? Can that wait until later?

 It is difficult not to look to Washington DC and say, thanks Bushy. Thanks for taking the stable life I knew and turning it into kayos. But that, while true to a point, is an oversimplification of the truth. If rather than simply spending as it came, I had been putting away a little I might not be in the tight condition I’m in, so I must take some responsibility. Of course Bushy has ruined the overall US economy, that is clear, but my own pain is somewhat of my own creation.

 It’s tough learning life lessons at age 46. 

The Epiphany

So it’s a new year. The old one, good riddance, has slipped away and we are heading into a brave new world. In just two weeks, Barrack Obama will be inaugurated president of the United States. I know for me this hasn’t quite sunk in yet.

 I also know for me that I am desperately trying to not have my expectations of the Obama presidency set so high that he cannot possibly perform. There will of course, be missteps, it is inevitable he is only human. But no matter what it will be an improvement.

 I continue to be saddened by what is happening in the home building industry. I watch as friends in the industry, the few that still have jobs, worry about tomorrow. And I find myself worrying about the same things. Life is never easy.

 I found myself wondering this morning as I waited for the bus, when my own life became so complex and why. I am a fairly simple guy or at least I like to think of myself as such. I don’t have huge expectations, but never the less I struggle.

 I wish that I had learned or even had interest in learning financial skills. Quite frankly money intimidates me which is odd for someone who is in fairly good command of himself. I glaze over very quickly when I have to deal with these things.

 And then all this anxiety gets turned back to my singleness. If I only had a partner, he could help me navigate money things. He could lend me strength to survive the storms at work. He could… wait, who is this guy, Superman?

 Yeah, so there is the Epiphany, appropriate today, since it is the end of Christmas and is Epiphany. Somehow I have to figure out a way in 2009 to navigate these issues myself. I have to be my own Superman. Sitting here today I am not sure how that is possible, but I know that if I am still and listen to my God who often speaks through my friends and family, I will find a way.