And so it goes

It is fascinating to me how my life can be so circular at times. I try very hard to learn and move on always improving who I am with each new lesson. I have come to understand that I am a very relationship oriented person. I have deep abiding friendships, not many, but I cherish them all.

I deeply love my family. They have stood by me through success and failure and have never once said what I imagine must have been on their minds. I am fairly self aware.

So why is it I can never seem to escape the feeling that I am fundamentally handicapped when it comes to dating?

I have tried to watch other men around me and pick up what is apparently a complex code of what you can and cannot say to a man you are dating. I have tried to observe where men meet in hopes that I might go there and meet someone who would like to spend time with me. I have tried to just be present in situations and not care if a guy likes me or not. I have tried to ignore the feeling that all those around me, straight, gay, bi, transgendered, or whatever, are all in relationships enjoying the company of someone that they like, love or simply enjoy. And I fail miserably.

This is admittedly self-indulgent of me to write about, but it sometimes helps me to write it down. It works something like a moment on a retreat weekend that changed my relationship with God when I laid things on an altar and walked away. It isn't always totally successful, but it does work sometimes.

So where do I go wrong? How do I escape what seems to be the inescapable feeling that I will be alone for the next 50 years?

I have thought about reading a book or books. I have tried talking to other gay men and no one seems to be able to say more than, "when you least expect it, that's when you'll meet him." Well after 9 years of being single and only dating what amounts to a handful of men, I couldn't expect it any less than I do right now. I have begun to think it impossible.

I have no answers, and I am frankly tired of thinking about it, and yet I seem to be able to do nothing but think about, another birthday, another Thanksgiving, another Christmas and anothe year with no one to share intimacy with.