Alone in a crowded room

Why does being alone bother me so much? Being ½ of something isn’t all that great when you can be the whole on your own. So why do I care?

This has been my struggle for 9 years. 9 years ago I was ½ of something. It was toxic, and killing me, but I belonged. When I had a bad day I came home to someone, I had someone in my bed each night; someone to kiss.

And so I decided to change my life; to fix what was wrong and I did and it was better.

Now, 9 years later, I wonder if I made the right decision. I come home to an empty bed, and empty life, and I am a whole. I have a tough day and there’s no one to hold me, no one to kiss and make it… not better… but easier to endure. I crave intimate companionship; time just spent together talking about everything and nothing; sharing a caress and a kiss.

I have faith, I have a supportive family and I have wonderful friends who love me deeply and care for me and listen to me whine, and yet I am spoiled and selfish to the point of saying that that love isn’t enough. I guess I am simply built that way; created to be in relationship.

It’s funny, that is actually what I believe is at the heart of the Gospel. Maybe that’s why I find it so very difficult that intimate relationship, the type that includes but transcends sex is not a part of my life right now and really has never been. I believe with all my heart that God calls us to be in relationship with each other, intimately, so that we know and understand as much as our human mind can, what it is to be in relationship with God; and I am denied that. And before someone says, “when you least expect it, it will be there” yet again, please understand that I have heard it before.

At times I feel defective; I feel like no matter what, there is something wrong. I feel as if there is a huge hump on my back that everyone around me clearly sees but no one wants to tell me is there.

Is it only my weight? That takes me right back to yesterday’s post. If that is indeed the problem, and I resolve that, and something happens that causes me to revert back to where I am today, then what? Am I then SOL? I cannot believe that what I seek is built on something as fragile as appearance.

Do I just meet the wrong guys? Should I look somewhere else? Where in the heck would that be? I have known people to meet wonderful men on the internet. I have known people to meet men at church or in the chorus, all places that I am as a part of my “regular” life.

I guess my only option is to move on, go forward, continue to put myself out there in my daily life and hope that one day when I least expect it, I will trip over some great guy.

And hopefully it won’t be the undertaker at my funeral.