I'm Convicted

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble,

whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things

are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is anY virtue

and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things.

PHILIPPIANS 4:8 (NKJV)

Okay first of all, what I am about to write requires no action. That is not the purpose of my blog ever. I write often because it is a means of getting things out of my head where they cause me fear and doubt and getting them onto paper where I can see them and somehow deal with them. It’s a process. Maybe not the best one, but it’s mine right now. 

So in an e-mail from an online friend this morning was the scripture that I quoted. I was instantly in tears, which is untoward when one is dressed in a shirt and tie at his office. This has been a bad week. Most people don’t know that because I am a fairly good actor after 46 years. It only seeps out around the edges when I am alone or I think no one is looking. 

I was also convicted by the scripture. Convicted that I have for a while now dwelled on what is wrong, what is going bad, what I am scared about, and not celebrated the good. Oh it isn’t easy to do that, I know, but I used to be able to. I used to be able to keep my eyes affixed to the joys of my life: Katie, Kenneth, Eric, Carlton, MichaelHamlin, Jim, and too many others to type. I used to be able to let the bad roll off my back, like water off a duck’s back; but not now. 

I am not certain what has changed. I don’t think the problems are appreciably worse, though they may be. Even the victories in my life get sucked up and drown by the seemingly constant barrage of challenges. 

For example, last week I had just finished my first week back at the gym. I, for the first time ever, was looking forward to going; go figure. I came home from a weekend with Katie in Seattle on Monday and came to the office on Tuesday, gym bag in hand ready to pay my fees and join up (the first week was a free trial). So I checked my checking account and… not enough money. I spiraled quickly into beating myself for not planning better (I am finding adjusting to 12% less salary is not easy). I felt betrayed. I screamed at God. Like he has time to be worried about Don’s gym membership; I skulked. None of which I am proud of. 

At the same time I have been putting off registering my vehicle. I quite frankly have not had the money. I haven’t been driving because I made a commitment to do my tiny part towards a better climate, and the car needs some work that I also haven’t been able to afford. I have been worried because it seems that the SFPD has nothing better to do than search for expired registration. Tuesday this week I came home to no car; towed. Great, now I am screwed. More self rapprochement, more self loathing, more screaming at God; and none of it is appropriate or helpful. 

I don’t know how to unravel this one. I have paid the registration, but that is only part of the problem, now there are tow fees and I have no money, well I have money but I also have other bills. This is vexing to me. It frankly paralyzes me. I figure I need another $500 to $800 to stay afloat. Not to mention the fact that I have to get the car home again. 

So today I open my e-mail and there is a note from Johnny containing the scripture from Philippians, a scripture I am familiar with, okay very familiar with. I am convicted and I am going to face today and hopefully tomorrow and hopefully beyond, by meditating on the praiseworthy things in my life. Thank you to all of you who are a part of that praiseworthy meditation.