I'm Convicted

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble,

whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things

are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is anY virtue

and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things.

PHILIPPIANS 4:8 (NKJV)

Okay first of all, what I am about to write requires no action. That is not the purpose of my blog ever. I write often because it is a means of getting things out of my head where they cause me fear and doubt and getting them onto paper where I can see them and somehow deal with them. It’s a process. Maybe not the best one, but it’s mine right now. 

So in an e-mail from an online friend this morning was the scripture that I quoted. I was instantly in tears, which is untoward when one is dressed in a shirt and tie at his office. This has been a bad week. Most people don’t know that because I am a fairly good actor after 46 years. It only seeps out around the edges when I am alone or I think no one is looking. 

I was also convicted by the scripture. Convicted that I have for a while now dwelled on what is wrong, what is going bad, what I am scared about, and not celebrated the good. Oh it isn’t easy to do that, I know, but I used to be able to. I used to be able to keep my eyes affixed to the joys of my life: Katie, Kenneth, Eric, Carlton, MichaelHamlin, Jim, and too many others to type. I used to be able to let the bad roll off my back, like water off a duck’s back; but not now. 

I am not certain what has changed. I don’t think the problems are appreciably worse, though they may be. Even the victories in my life get sucked up and drown by the seemingly constant barrage of challenges. 

For example, last week I had just finished my first week back at the gym. I, for the first time ever, was looking forward to going; go figure. I came home from a weekend with Katie in Seattle on Monday and came to the office on Tuesday, gym bag in hand ready to pay my fees and join up (the first week was a free trial). So I checked my checking account and… not enough money. I spiraled quickly into beating myself for not planning better (I am finding adjusting to 12% less salary is not easy). I felt betrayed. I screamed at God. Like he has time to be worried about Don’s gym membership; I skulked. None of which I am proud of. 

At the same time I have been putting off registering my vehicle. I quite frankly have not had the money. I haven’t been driving because I made a commitment to do my tiny part towards a better climate, and the car needs some work that I also haven’t been able to afford. I have been worried because it seems that the SFPD has nothing better to do than search for expired registration. Tuesday this week I came home to no car; towed. Great, now I am screwed. More self rapprochement, more self loathing, more screaming at God; and none of it is appropriate or helpful. 

I don’t know how to unravel this one. I have paid the registration, but that is only part of the problem, now there are tow fees and I have no money, well I have money but I also have other bills. This is vexing to me. It frankly paralyzes me. I figure I need another $500 to $800 to stay afloat. Not to mention the fact that I have to get the car home again. 

So today I open my e-mail and there is a note from Johnny containing the scripture from Philippians, a scripture I am familiar with, okay very familiar with. I am convicted and I am going to face today and hopefully tomorrow and hopefully beyond, by meditating on the praiseworthy things in my life. Thank you to all of you who are a part of that praiseworthy meditation. 

Jon Stewart was listening...

So apparently my blog is wider read than I thought. Jon Stewart must have picked up on it... right?

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Fox News Fear Imbalance

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Welcome Madam Secretary

I am once again proud of Hillary Clinton. If you have not watched the video here from her first day at the State Department, yesterday, take a moment, okay 4 minutes, and watch it. I am so excited to have an administration in Washington DC that I can be once again proud to call my president. It is clear to me that Hillary Clinton was an EXCELLENT choice to be our top diplomat. I am so very excited to see what she does in concert with the President and Vice President. 

Nothing to Fear but Fear

We all know the phrase coined by FDR, “we have nothing to fear, but fear it self.” I have never understood that phrase better than I do now, after 8 years of the Bush administration and my own experience in life dealing with my demons.

I think of myself as an emotionally strong individual. I am comfortable getting in an airplane, climbing on a rollercoaster, driving faster than I should. I must confess to not understanding for a moment what an agoraphobic feels like when he or she cannot leave their home; it seems impossible to me to be that scared.

At the same time I have watched as the country I love trades away freedoms in the name of finding security, I have watched as liberties are taken away to the sound of the thunderous approval of my fellow citizens. I watched as for 8 years an administration manipulated the fears of our country with the “Threat Level;” does anyone really know what threat level orange really means? We hear it in the airport every time we fly. Has it really made us safer?

Even now, on ABC there is a “reality” show called Homeland Security… astonishing.

The emperor has no clothes I say! We are no safer today than we were on 9/10/2001 and I would submit that we were safe enough then. Stripping naked while trying to board an aircraft has done nothing more than make us scared; it has not made us safer.

The other place that the power of fear is evident in our society is in how homosexuality is viewed by conservative religions. The basis of the arguments opposing same sex marriage are all rooted in some unfound fear that the mere act of same sex couples marrying somehow threatens heterosexual marriage. Come now. What is there to fear about same sex couples marrying?

I think I understand the power of fear even better in the context of my own life. If you read me consistently, you know how I struggle with finances and love among other things. And I find myself reacting totally out of fear to the point of being paralyzed sometimes.

I am fearful of loosing my job, because of that I am fearful about being able to afford to visit my daughter each month in Seattle and because of that I postpone purchasing tickets so they become even more expensive.

I am fearful of being alone, and so I desperately thrash about looking for someone to date; attractive right?

I am fearful of being able to afford to pay future bills, so I don’t pay the current ones in order to save money.

It’s all twisted, but that is my point. Fear f*cks with your mind (sorry about the expletive but it seemed to be the only appropriate word).

So I am in the midst of trying to not be so fearful so that I will be able to deal with the things I need to deal with.

Oh that is so easy to say.

I look forward to when it is easy to do.

I pray that with the advent of the Obama administration, we can cling to the hope through the difficult months and years ahead, and make the tough choices, unfrozen by fear. 

Is Obama the Balm For Our Wounds?

What an incredible day yesterday. A day of pomp and circumstance; a day of historic proportion; and rather than a speech with platitudes and soaring rhetoric, a speech with the stark reality of what lies ahead and hope that we will unite as a country and conquer our challenges. I truly believe that if this was ever possible in our history it is possible now.

And yet what does that mean on the ground, for me?

I continue to hear stories and see in my day to day work life, how things continue to deteriorate. I know that without some shift, I will not make it to the promised recovery employed where I am. I wonder if this is how MLK felt when he talked of not making it to the promise land. I know the comparison is weak, but it comes to mind because of this week’s events and the proximity to the MLK holiday/celebration.

Increasingly each day, I must summon more energy to walk out the door and head to work and increasingly I want to stay home in bed. Yes, I know; signs of depression. And I suppose around the edges it may be. But honestly it is mostly frustration for me.

I believe I am talented at what I do. I love architecture, and always have since I was a child. I have always found enough joy to bridge what ever gap in compensation and prestige existed in my career; until now.

Until now when I should be entering the zenith of my work; until now when I am watching and rooting for others as they excel, and until now when my very job is in jeopardy.

I feel like a malcontent. I feel disloyal to those I know who are enjoying success. I fear that people won’t want to share their own successes and joys with me for fear it will “push me over the edge;” instead of just uplifting me some as it really does to hear of someone else’s success.

And so is Obama the cure? Well in some ways, yes. The new administration brings with it hopes and dreams. Will it be instantaneous? No. It simply can’t be and I pray that America can grasp that.

I don’t honestly know how Barrack Obama shoulders the hopes and dreams of all the people who have cast theirs upon him. But I am certainly thrilled that he is willing to try. 

Good Bye Pessimism: Hello Hope!

So it is only two days till Barrack Obama takes the oath of office on the steps of the capitol building in Washington DC and we turn a historic page in our nation’s history. I found myself wondering in church this morning what it was like in January of 1961 when John F. Kennedy was about to take the oath.

Of course at that time we were relatively prosperous. A popular Republican administration was leaving office and the country was strong. What a stark contrast to these times when there are few people who can wait for the current administration to slink out of Washington DC into oblivion, or at least we hope oblivion.

And so we have hope.

We have hope that after our country has paid the price for our selfishness and greed, that we can strike a balance of government and private that will bring this country back to a time of genuine national pride. Pride in ourselves as a people; pride in our nation as an open, loving society; pride in our equal treatment of EVERYONE under the law.

We have much work ahead of us. I pray that we remember that it took 8 years to get into the trouble we are in and we cannot hope to be out of it by summer.

There is undoubtedly more pain ahead.

But through it all we will have hope. Hope that once again tomorrow will bring a better day; that tomorrow will be happier than today; and hope that we can all live in peace.

So this week will be one of pomp, circumstance and history. I think of my 13 year old daughter, who I don’t think can begin to grasp the gravity of the situation mostly because I am not sure that I can grasp it. I know that I will look back from the end of my life to this time and remember what a feeling of hope I had/have in my heart right now.

I pray for the success of this administration as I have for the success of every administration because they are always my presidents, no matter how much or how little I like them. My father taught me that. Thanks Jim. 

Alone in a crowded room

Why does being alone bother me so much? Being ½ of something isn’t all that great when you can be the whole on your own. So why do I care?

This has been my struggle for 9 years. 9 years ago I was ½ of something. It was toxic, and killing me, but I belonged. When I had a bad day I came home to someone, I had someone in my bed each night; someone to kiss.

And so I decided to change my life; to fix what was wrong and I did and it was better.

Now, 9 years later, I wonder if I made the right decision. I come home to an empty bed, and empty life, and I am a whole. I have a tough day and there’s no one to hold me, no one to kiss and make it… not better… but easier to endure. I crave intimate companionship; time just spent together talking about everything and nothing; sharing a caress and a kiss.

I have faith, I have a supportive family and I have wonderful friends who love me deeply and care for me and listen to me whine, and yet I am spoiled and selfish to the point of saying that that love isn’t enough. I guess I am simply built that way; created to be in relationship.

It’s funny, that is actually what I believe is at the heart of the Gospel. Maybe that’s why I find it so very difficult that intimate relationship, the type that includes but transcends sex is not a part of my life right now and really has never been. I believe with all my heart that God calls us to be in relationship with each other, intimately, so that we know and understand as much as our human mind can, what it is to be in relationship with God; and I am denied that. And before someone says, “when you least expect it, it will be there” yet again, please understand that I have heard it before.

At times I feel defective; I feel like no matter what, there is something wrong. I feel as if there is a huge hump on my back that everyone around me clearly sees but no one wants to tell me is there.

Is it only my weight? That takes me right back to yesterday’s post. If that is indeed the problem, and I resolve that, and something happens that causes me to revert back to where I am today, then what? Am I then SOL? I cannot believe that what I seek is built on something as fragile as appearance.

Do I just meet the wrong guys? Should I look somewhere else? Where in the heck would that be? I have known people to meet wonderful men on the internet. I have known people to meet men at church or in the chorus, all places that I am as a part of my “regular” life.

I guess my only option is to move on, go forward, continue to put myself out there in my daily life and hope that one day when I least expect it, I will trip over some great guy.

And hopefully it won’t be the undertaker at my funeral. 

Last Chance for Preconstruction Pricing...

So last night I embarked on the next leg of my adventure to reinvent myself. After a 2+ year hiatus, I returned to the gym. I have never been able to catch the gym bug. I have tried several times over my 46 years to get there, but it never seems to happen.

My most recent foray into going was at a posh club in Pleasanton near my office. It was like going to a spa and I thought that would make it possible for me to be motivated. Instead I found that my time at the gym was the thing I could move to make room for yet another meeting. It was the most flexible thing on my schedule, so flexible that it got flexed right away.

So now, after much thought and having lost the first thirty pounds of the one-hundred pound goal, I have chosen Gold’s Gym in the SOMA area of San Francisco. This is no spa. I don’t mean that as a negative, it is simply a comparison. So last night I was there, sweating off my 650 calories with 40 minutes of cardio and I wasn’t bored out of my skull. That is a first. So maybe things are different.

All this has gotten me started thinking about myself and hence the title of this piece. One of my fears about embarking on this journey of reinventing myself physically is that if I was to meet someone after the transformation is more or less complete, what would happen if I was to back slide? Would I be dismissed like an unwanted or underperforming employee? Would my relationship pivot on my physical appearance?

So I have begun to think of those who are in my life now as preconstruction buyers; people who are willing to purchase with just an idea on paper. These people always get preferences because they are willing to commit before the physical is complete. You know who you are and you will all be cherished people in my life. 

Yet another life lesson

It is difficult to remember how you once made it on a previous salary amount. At the end of this past year I took a percentage decrease in my salary in order to remain employed. Yes the times are that bad. If you are insulated from the turmoil that is this economy, count yourself very lucky, I face it every morning and it makes going to the office very difficult.

 At the same time I am realizing that I have no clue how I made it on less money. I have to figure this out rather quickly or face a deficit of my own, and unlike the State or Federal government, I can’t simply borrow or print my way through it.

 Of course, at the same time as my salary is going down, expenses are going up. Imagine my dilemma. On top of this, I am loosing weight, which is a good thing, but it also will eventually require new clothes. And so the choices arise.

 I had just, in the past 12 months, reached a place where I felt I could live a little. I wasn’t worried every time a bill showed up. I didn’t hesitate to go to the market. I would go buy a new pair of pants or a new pair of shoes or a new shirt and not worry about it. And now, here I am, back to feeling like I can’t do anything without fretting over it.

 So now I have to go back and constantly ask myself the question, do I really need that? Can that wait until later?

 It is difficult not to look to Washington DC and say, thanks Bushy. Thanks for taking the stable life I knew and turning it into kayos. But that, while true to a point, is an oversimplification of the truth. If rather than simply spending as it came, I had been putting away a little I might not be in the tight condition I’m in, so I must take some responsibility. Of course Bushy has ruined the overall US economy, that is clear, but my own pain is somewhat of my own creation.

 It’s tough learning life lessons at age 46. 

The Epiphany

So it’s a new year. The old one, good riddance, has slipped away and we are heading into a brave new world. In just two weeks, Barrack Obama will be inaugurated president of the United States. I know for me this hasn’t quite sunk in yet.

 I also know for me that I am desperately trying to not have my expectations of the Obama presidency set so high that he cannot possibly perform. There will of course, be missteps, it is inevitable he is only human. But no matter what it will be an improvement.

 I continue to be saddened by what is happening in the home building industry. I watch as friends in the industry, the few that still have jobs, worry about tomorrow. And I find myself worrying about the same things. Life is never easy.

 I found myself wondering this morning as I waited for the bus, when my own life became so complex and why. I am a fairly simple guy or at least I like to think of myself as such. I don’t have huge expectations, but never the less I struggle.

 I wish that I had learned or even had interest in learning financial skills. Quite frankly money intimidates me which is odd for someone who is in fairly good command of himself. I glaze over very quickly when I have to deal with these things.

 And then all this anxiety gets turned back to my singleness. If I only had a partner, he could help me navigate money things. He could lend me strength to survive the storms at work. He could… wait, who is this guy, Superman?

 Yeah, so there is the Epiphany, appropriate today, since it is the end of Christmas and is Epiphany. Somehow I have to figure out a way in 2009 to navigate these issues myself. I have to be my own Superman. Sitting here today I am not sure how that is possible, but I know that if I am still and listen to my God who often speaks through my friends and family, I will find a way.