I'm Jealous Part Deux (ADULT CONTENT)

So lest you think I am all about the relationship angle of this... I am also jealous of men with hairy butts, men with above average balls, men with above average cocks, men with uncut cocks, men who fit in easily to a bear category. 

Notice I am not jealous of shallow, vapid, mean, stupid, ugly men. LOL And make no mistake, I am not unhappy with myself, in fact, I like myself. I like myself even more now that I am 30 pounds lighter, but even that wasn't totally necessary. 

I suppose in all this, I am looking to be accepted, accepted into the club, accepted into the clique, accepted into the cool kids. 

But then that is what I have been looking for since I started school, 40 years ago. 

Guess it's time I started just being me. 

Unbelieveable! Well, maybe not.

Okay, so just when you thought the Palin Soap Opera of a candidacy couldn't get any worse... it does. Apparently some right wing PAC thought it necessary to produce a commercial that is running in the 2 red states, that thanks Governor Pailn for her service. This is SHOCKING to say the least. They even go to the point of calling Caribou Barbie, articulate, OMG, did they read any of the transcripts of some of the governor's answers to simple questions? Did they even see the interview with Katie Couric? 

In case you haven't laughed hard enough lately, take a look at this:

Sometimes I'm Jealous...

Okay, I have struggled with whether or not to write this down. On one hand I don't want to sound like a whiner or a looser and I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable around me. On the other hand, I have found that sometimes writing out what I am thinking helps me to release it and move on. So I suppose this could be the draft e-mail you never send, and maybe it will be. If I choose to publish it, then I hope that the two people who read my blog will understand what I mean by it. 

I am jealous today. I don't know how else to put it; I can't think of some other term. I should be very happy, my life is okay, I leave for Paris in four days, I have a job, I have a home I love, and I have the best friends you could ask for, but I am jealous. 

I have been told I shouldn't be, relationships, even ones that succeed are a pain in the ass, and yet I am jealous. I don't understand my life sometimes. I know I am a nice guy, I am even handsome. I have been told I am sexy too. And yet, I rarely get past the first date. It puzzles me. 

I wonder if I do something wrong. I wonder if my not coming out till I was 37 years old, handicapped me somehow. Do I miss the signs? Do I not know the "code"? 

It is ever so difficult for me not to compare myself to my piers. It is what we are socialized to do,  particularly as men. I guess I should just go forward, without expectation. I should just live my life, and love myself. But I am selfish, I want more. 

I want someone to cling to, cleave to even, when I have a week like the one just past. I want to come home and have a man call and say, hey let's get together and grab a bite and sit on the couch and make out. I want a man want to come spend a couple of days with me in SF or for me to spend a couple of days with him in ______. I want to have a man to share my joy with, to travel with, to raise my daughter with, so that she knows that I'm not a freak. I want to find a man to spend my old age with. 

And yet no man comes. My friends get dates, so I know it's possible. I believe there is a man out there, somewhere, maybe even in San Francisco, who will love me. But when? 

It is difficult to not be jealous. It is hard to keep believing. And yet, I must go on. 

Yeah, what she said!

Okay, so the Reverend Dr. Penny Nixon makes me proud to be both queer and a christian. I had heard that she nailed her speech at the No on 8 rally, but I hadn't seen it until last night. She says exactly what I have thought for many years, that I am proud to be a christian if only to remind those who think they know what being a christian is, namely excluding people from the body of Christ, that Christ included everyone in his family, and that includes we queers. Take a look and listen.

And then there were fewer...

So in case I somehow believed that we, the firm I work for, were insulated from the economic tsunami that is raging around the housing and building industry, this past Thursday snapped me back into reality. 

It isn't as if I didn't know it was coming. A week ago today, as I worked from our San Francisco office, the partners of the firm met in Pleasanton at the corporate offices. I got an e-mail Friday night canceling our weekly Monday morning meeting, because the partners had had an over ambitious agenda and needed to finish on Monday morning. I knew it was time. 

Unlike most firms our size, our competitors, we have had but one layoff. Last January, when I lost 1/3 of my team. The decision was preemptive, and deep in order for us to survive and exit healthy and we made it almost a whole year without having to do it again. 

I have had it done to me, and it is surreal being on the other side. Being the one who is management and having to make the decision and deal with it's consequences. It is easy to say it is harder to be cut than to do the cutting, but that would be wrong. I agonize over it. 

This time around not only did I loose another 1/3, well I lost two of three workers, but I gained one from another team, so it was a net 1/3 reduction. But the 2/3s, they were young women architects, who I have had the privilege of teaching how to be an architect. I love that. And watching as one cried as soon as we told her, my heart sank to my feet. How could the career she loved treat her like a bad boyfriend? Well architecture is a fickle lover. We give her our all and she pays us back with a cyclical nature that loves to snap at her young. 

And as if we who survived didn't have enough survivor guilt, we got a sliding scale pay cut that cost me 12.5% of my wages, but I am still employed. I am still working doing what I love. And I am reminded each time I walk to my desk that two young women that I cared about, are no longer there to help me do my job and learn to be a young architect. 

We'd like to thank you Herbert Hoover (George W. Bush). You have taken a thriving country and in 8 short years torn it asunder. You should be ashamed. 

It's the end of the world as we know it?

I continue to be beaten by the news of family, friends and acquaintances who are loosing their jobs as the current economic tsunami crashes through the US. This coupled with the fact that I was actually at the movies over the weekend in the evening in my shorts (those of you who are familiar with San Francisco in November will recognize the significance of this) has convinced me that we may well be entering the end times. Oh why not? The evangelical church has been telling us this for at least 20 years now. 

I find it increasingly difficult to remain hopeful, as my own firm begins to make our second round of personnel cuts. I am worried, I don't know if I will have any staff or if I will even be here when we are through. We have weathered almost 2 years of a housing down turn, yes people those of you who have just begun to feel it are the late comers to the party, and I find myself increasingly dismal about the prospects. Juxtaposed against that, we are just completing our Strategic Planning efforts for 2012. It is truly an odd time. Layer upon all that the fact that I am getting on a plane on Thanksgiving Day to fly to Paris for four days, and I wonder what will be left when I return. 

It would seem that the holidays may not be so hap hap happy this year. And yet, the one true gift is what we celebrate at Christmas. A God who loved us so much that he would send a savior to walk amongst us. If it is the end times, I say get here quick and let's get it all over with, the anticipation is costing me sleep. 

Day 8

Okay, so I don't want this to become a one note samba, but last night I finally had a chance to watch Kieth Oberman's special commentary and I couldn't help but want to post it here. Kieth is a true friend to the Queer Community, and he approaches his commentary from an entirely appropriate and fairly fresh direction. Thank you Kieth, you made me cry and you made me proud to have a friend in the media who cares so deeply about what is right. Take a look. 

Day 3

So yes, it is day three since the election that took rights away, and no, I’m not over it. I was listening to The Stephanie Miller show this morning, and they were ganging up on Chris for pointing out the irony that more people voted for the humane treatment of animals than voted to protect the rights of human homosexuals. It is only that irony that this queer man finds fascinating. Of course many of those who supported proposition 8 were lied to and believed that it somehow had something to do with teaching children or forcing churches to marry couples that they don’t want to marry, but people the title of the proposition on the ballot was “To take away the rights of same sex couples to marry”, it doesn’t get a whole lot clearer than that; thank you Jerry Brown for trying.

Then there is the gay community that is in the full mode of eating the No on 8 campaign for all the mistakes they made, well we were there making the mistakes with them. It’s very easy to say that we didn’t take the “right” path, thanks New York Times. But let’s just think about what a legislative path might have meant. What would have stopped the very same amendment being offered? What is to stop the very same religious fundamentalists from now offering an amendment to prohibit Jews from marrying, or Muslims or as the bible prescribes, prohibiting interracial marriage? Once we start down the path of taking people’s rights away through Constitutional amendment, when do we stop? Does anyone really think that abortion rights won’t be next?

I would simply ask one thing. Would one person that believes that people of the same sex getting married, threatens heterosexual marriage, please explain to me in terms of secular law, how that is possible? How does me marrying a man I love and subsequently receiving the tax, property and inheritance rights and divorce protections, hurt a heterosexual couple? You can’t I don’t believe without invoking faith, and the faith argument has no place before the law. When will or politicians be able to have clear positions on queer rights, and not have to parse their words like President Elect Obama, “I don’t support gay marriage, but I oppose proposition 8”? How does anyone reconcile that?

And there is one even more hideous statute that was approved. In Arkansas, you can now only adopt if you are married. How many children must suffer to further the misguided notion that homosexuals are not good parents because of who we love? Wow.

This is a great week for our nation in so many ways, but let us not loose sight of how that greatness is tainted by continued hate of the only minority group that it is cool to hate, the queer community. 

State of California: Queer Discrimination Day 2

I find myself on day two of this ordeal, still angry. I went to a business function this morning in the heart of the Tri-Valley area of the east bay and was surrounded undoubtedly by people who voted just two days ago to take away civil rights afforded to me less than 6 months before by the California Supreme Court. I didn't even have a chance to exercise those rights, but let's not go there. LOL 

So here I am in a theater full of people, and I wanted to stand up and say, by a show of hands who supported Proposition 8 on Tuesday? I wanted to just see the face of my enemy. It all strikes me of the small mindedness of the conservative movement in this country. 

I watched John McCain conceded the election on Tuesday night to a sea of white faces. Similar to the sea of white faces at the Republican National Convention in September. Reportedly there were a scant 34 African Americans at the Republican Convention in Minneapolis. WOW... what does that say about the grand old party??? 

Anyway, I find myself repeatedly returning to this one question. When did the country I love, turn into this place of I'm right and you're absolutely wrong because I have the one and only truth? This is an utterly stunning development to me. I have written before about how I understand the draw towards the black and white simplicity of fundamentalist religion and it's easy answers and my preference for the complexity of a Technicolor world of no clear right and wrong answers. But what really and truly scares me is how can you possibly have a dialogue that begins with the other party believing that they are absolutely and completely right? How do you get anywhere? 

Just look at our foreign policy of the past 8 years, it was executed with exactly this perspective. Of course John McCain finds meeting with our enemies without precondition, because he believes as most Republicans do, that he is the only one with the correct answer to the problem what ever it is. W felt that way too, that's why invading Iraq wasn't hinging on WMDs for him, that whole rouse was to get the public behind it. W just plain thought he was right. 

And so it is with Queer marriage. The conservative religions think they have the only true marriage, one man and one woman. Well you know what, maybe they do, in their religion, but we are talking about CIVIL RIGHTS, before the law of the land which is supposed to be blind to race, creed, color, religion, sexual orientation or any thing else. If it is blind, then my faith that tells me that the God I worship is about relationship and we model that relationship with God by being in relationship with each other as humans, doesn't have time to worry about whether I am in a relationship with a man or a woman, God only cares that I am in some sort of relationship that ultimately points my eyes to God, is equally valid before the law and should be recognized. I'm not and I would venture to say, the Queer Community is not, asking the Roman Catholic Church to marry us, though there are certainly Queer Catholics that would like that. What we are asking for however, is all of the CIVIL RIGHTS and RESPONSIBILITIES before the law that are afforded to heterosexual couples. 

Let's just think for a moment. Queer couples can adopt children, in fact I'm a father. What does it teach my heterosexual daughter that her father cannot marry the man he loves? It teaches her that her father is somehow less of a citizen. Of course I will tell her differently. And that is exactly what I would expect someone raising their child as a Roman Catholic would teach them about Queer Marriage, that in their belief system that doesn't fit. It's not unlike what I remember about evolution when I was a boy. When it was taught in my school, I asked my pastor what that meant with regard to creation, and gee he taught me. This idea that we have to teach exactly the same thing and believe exactly the same thing is so saddening. 

Anyway... that's probably enough for today. Hang on folks, there is likely to be many more posts about this as we travel this road to re-obtaining our rights. 

Step to the back of the bus you QUEERS!

I am at once thrilled with the election of Barack Obama, and profoundly sad and ANGRY to be a part of one of the last groups it is okay to not only discriminate against, but it’s okay to codify that discrimination into the Constitution of the State of California. And what makes it doubly difficult to deal with is the fact that exit polling would indicate that only two groups in the state were overwhelmingly for the proposition, those over 65 years old, and African Americans and Latinos for who’s civil rights the gay community has worked to secure. Gee thanks. 

http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/results/polls/#CAI01p1

I wept last night as I watched the man I believe will actually change the face of this nation, accept the presidency and begin to chart the course of hope. And I wept again this morning in my bed when I heard that over night there had been no movement and it was fairly clear that Proposition 8 would become not just a law, but part of the Constitution of the State of California by a vote of 51% of the people; people who were LIED to about what not passing the amendment would do and people who were LIED to about Barack Obama’s position on the proposition, but his campaign did NOTHING to correct those lies in the closing days of the campaign. In the State of California animals raised for food, now are better protected by a 73% popular vote, but gay, lesbian, transgendered and bisexual HUMANS are still just sexual deviants whose love for one another is not as important as those who were born straight. Gee thanks California!

Civil Unions are a SEPARATE but EQUAL approach to the problem. Why is this acceptable for the GLBT Community but not acceptable for racial minorities? Why are one group’s principals of faith held above another group’s principals of faith in a country that supposedly has a blind eye to religion?

The queer community can not grow in percentage of the vote. Throughout history between 10 and 15 percent of the population is queer. Other minorities in this country have grown in percentage of the vote to further their cause; we are the only group that does not have that avenue available because regardless of what the fundamentalists tell you, we don’t recruit. So we must depend on the heterosexual community “getting it”; getting it that we DESERVE to be protected by the Constitution of the State of California and of the United States of America. Deserve to have our love relationships enjoy the same rights and responsibilities of the heterosexual community. And deserve to be EQUAL before the law in all respects. It was only a scant 30 years ago that it was illegal to marry outside your own race. How long do I have to wait to be able to marry the man of my dreams?

Let's just stop and think how different my own life would have been if at the time of my youth, queer relationships were celebrated with the same regard as heterosexual relationships. I don't think that I would have made the same choices in my life. I think I would have simply found a man who wanted a family, married him and adopted kids. How nice it would have been to feel like the way I love is okay. But now we have made that impossible for yet another generation of our youth. SHAME on us. 

This is truly a sad day in the State of California; a state that would overwhelmingly support a man like Barack Obama, who will change the face of the nation; and on the same ballot, would vote to relegate 10% of their friends and family members to PERMANENT second class citizenship. Make no mistake, the GLBT Community will not rest and will not stop. We have been beaten up through the years and we have figured out how to survive the beatings and move on, I just hoped that once we might truly live in an enlightened state. Brace yourselves, for many more years of hate and bashing my friends because it’s still okay to hate the queer community. 

We are changing minds one at a time, but is it fast enough?

So I have to credit my dear friend in Texas, of all places, for bringing the video posted below to my attention. Thank you Peter. 

I went and viewed this video and by the end was weeping at my desk. It shows that we can change minds one at a time, so for those of you in the community and those of you who support the rights of gay and lesbians, PLEASE keep talking to those around you, because it is by changing enough minds that we will succeed in defeating this hateful constitutional amendment tomorrow and prove that we will not stand to have our Constitution be the only one in the nation that discriminates. 

Take a look: